She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
