I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
