You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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