I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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