Don't make out with my wife yet
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
