K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
