Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
