My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
