I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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