I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
