your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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