the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
So squirting runs in the family.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Randomize
