Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Randomize
