I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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