hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you inspire me to be a worse person
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
