And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
