life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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