I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Randomize
