I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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