i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
