I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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