The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
