Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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