My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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