Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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