Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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