Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
