when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Randomize
