I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
