thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
