I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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