She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
