just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
