Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
