If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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