I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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