I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
