so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
