your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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