Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
