she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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