Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
