There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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