Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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