my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
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She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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