connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
