I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
