Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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