Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
