Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
