The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
