matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
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