Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
