woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
